Make A Difference To One

By Jay Cookingham (Soulfari)

Approachable - easy to meet or converse or do business with; "a friendly approachable person"

That definition did not fit my father.

I grew up in an abusive home; my father’s cruelty was part of everyday life. His words and name-calling crushed my spirit, for years the verbal abuse continued, it stunted my emotional growth and I grew callous and hard. When I turned twelve, another darker form of abuse started, my dad began sexually assaulting me. It was all I could handle, I felt ashamed, hurt and betrayed. Somehow, I began to think it all had to be my fault. I turned to drinking and drugs, trying to dull the pain and the guilt I held inside.

This sick pattern continued until I was 17 and able physically to stand up to my father. The physical and sexual abuse stopped but not the verbal cruelty. However, because of the damage done, I was through with caring. One day I made a suicide tape recording, left it in my room, grabbed my hunting knife and went alone into the woods. I found a secluded spot where it would be difficult to find me. After getting high on pot, I put the knife to my wrist, paused and wondered if anyone would miss me. Then out of nowhere I heard a small still voice say “NO.” Quickly putting the knife down I looked around and found no one there, too shaken to continue, I went home and destroyed the tape.

Several months later, in the same woods, my friends and I were having a beer blast. Having already consumed too much alcohol, I raced one of my friends in a drinking contest. I downed 6 beers in a minute and won. Some victory, I then took two steps and fell flat on my face. My wasted friends, thinking I had passed out, picked me up and put me on a cot to sleep it off. However, I was awake, although unable to talk or move.