Are You Wondering?

By Pat

I recently went through a very difficult, emotionally trying time, and although it's over now and the outcome mostly favorable, spiritual questions remain for me. We all know, as Christians, that we are to trust in God and give Him our cares. We all know that God has our best interest at heart. But we also know that sometimes things don't go the way we want them to, and that even God's faithful followers don't always get their way. Well, what then? During the five months of the difficult period I went through, I prayed fervently.

Desperately. I prayed for God to make sure that the outcome was as I requested it to be, for I knew that was what was needed, and I knew that God knew that, too. But after a time, I began to also pray for God to enable me to accept whatever happened; not only accept it, but continue to trust God and not allow anger, pain, bitterness and resentment to affect my faith. And quite honestly, I wasn't sure what I would do, how I would go on if wrong decisions were made. What would I do? A horrible way to feel.

Finally, it was over and I could breathe again, but yet the question continued to nag me. What if the outcome had been different? For the first time in my life, I wondered how I could continue my walk of faith had God allowed my situation to result in something other than what I and many others had been praying for. I would have been devastated. I truly questioned how my faith would have been affected. And I hated feeling it, tired to ignore it, but yet it persisted like a parasite hidden under my skin. And even though there have been four months since this time of trial, I still question. It still scares me. And yet...there have also been blessings; growth of sorts in my faith. For you see, I realized that even though I tried to hide my doubts and fears, God knew them anyway. I wasn't fooling Him one bit.

This trying time had forced me into the most honest time of prayer I had ever had. There were times when I felt confident that all would be well. But there were also times when I was overcome with such a feeling of fear and despair, all I could do was cry. And I did! I came to realize that I needed to truly open my heart to God. And I did! There were times when I would drop to my knees, wherever I was, and lay my head down and sob, begging God not to allow the unthinkable to happen, and there were times when I said, "God, I truly don't know how I will ever trust you again, or be able to serve you with true joy of things go wrong. What will I do, Lord? How will I cope?"

Yes, my biggest fear in all of it was faltering, wavering faith. And it shames me. But thank God for grace! Despite it all, I knew that somehow God would not let me go. I knew that somehow this struggle of faith, this horrible time of doubt and fear, would strengthen me. I'm not so sure I'VE changed, but I know for sure my prayers have, and my relationship with God has changed. I have realized that God doesn't want my sugar-coated words. He wants honesty! God doesn't want hollow promises and empty words. He wants my heart, for without God holding my heart in His hands, He can't heal it and allow it to continue on despite the scars and battle wounds it shows (and for which I am proud!)

I now talk to God differently. And I know that somehow, some way, He would never have allowed me to leave Him, for He knew I wanted to remain faithful to Him above all things. God knows my heart! Yes, I still struggle and yes, I still have fears. But now...I just tell Him. I tell Him when I'm scared, or angry, or confused, just as confidently as when I tell Him I am thankful and joyful. I talk to Him now like a friend...a best friend! He will never let me go. Praise God!

"What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders off, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go look for the one that wandered off? And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off." (Matthew 18:12, 13.)

Pat is a good friend who is passionate about her faith and her family. She works from home supporting a family business, and loves to read, write and garden when she can, and spends every spare moment with her grandkids.

Comments

[jasonS]

Good reflections, Pat. Sometimes we pray fervently and it doesn't end up the way we thought. All we can do is work through it and rely on His peace. Pretending it doesn't bother us doesn't work because we lose the joy we used to have in our walk with Him. We share with Him in joys and pains. It's not easy, but it's a beautiful way to live. Thank you, Pat.