Organize This! Helping Your Child Let Go and De-Clutter

By Stephanie Calahan (Calahan Solutions, Inc)

Often when I am giving presentations or working with work-at-home moms, I’m asked this question:

Q:  Isn’t it easier to just get rid of a child’s toys?  If I see that they are not playing with them, what is the harm in just making them “disappear”?

Give a man a fish and he will have food for the day.
Teach a man to fish, he has food for a lifetime…

When my son was about 2 years old, we started teaching him how to make choices about his belongings.  He was very into picking toys, books, clothes, etc. that could go to another kid that did not have as much as he did.  He was excellent and empathetic, and we thought, "Wow, this is going to be easier than we thought."

At about the same age he was a complete and total Elmo fan. He had all kinds of Elmo things.  There was one in particular -- it was a simple stuffed Elmo.  Nothing fancy to him, but Elmo was his best buddy and went everywhere with him.

Well, over time, he of course, lost interest in Elmo.  When he was about 5 years old, we were in his play room in the basement going through his things.  Out popped Elmo.  Since he had not played with stuffed toy in at least a few years, I suggested that Elmo should go to a new home.  This is somewhat of how the conversation went...

"NO!!!!!"  he screamed, quite passionately.  "I don't want him to go...." he whimpered.

So I tried to reason with him first...

"But D, you have not played with him in a long time.  Do you really think that you are going to play with him again?"

He then looks at me with those loving, pitiful eyes that only your child can get away with...

"Momma, I'll play with him now that I remember him."

OK, reason did not work like it used to.  He is now old enough to have learned that "things" hold some kind of emotional value.  Elmo represented his first best buddy.  Elmo was comfort and fun times.  Elmo was before school work....  This would require a totally different strategy... how about greed?

"OK, but what if we sold Elmo at the resell shop and he will go to a little boy or girl that really likes him?  You can take the money and get something else."

"No, I don't want Elmo to go to someone else.  He is MY friend."

AAAHHHH!!  I had it figured out now.  I could do a lesson on friendship and still de-clutter.

"But how do you think Elmo feels?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, have you been a very good friend to him lately?  I mean, think about it D.  Elmo used to go with you everywhere.  He played with you and visited cool places with you and stayed in your nice comfy bed at night. Now look at him.  He is in the cold basement in the back of a dark cabinet!"

"Oh no!  I have been a terrible friend.  I am so sorry Elmo." he cried hugging the toy.  "Mom, I don't want Elmo to feel sad." 

It was at that point that he acknowledged (to himself) that he really would not play with Elmo anymore.

"OK, I tell you what... Ms. Jeannine has a little boy who LOVES Elmo now.  How about we drive over to her salon and we can give her Elmo for her little boy.  That way, you know where he is going and you know that he will continue to be loved."

"OK.  Can we do it now?"

So, we drove over to my friend's salon and while we were parked, my son had a tearful goodbye with his first best friend.  We then walked into the salon and he talked with my stylist and explained that he wanted her son to have him. 

She was so touched, because you could tell that this was a difficult parting for my son.  She even had tears well up in her eyes.

As we drove home, we stopped by Dairy Queen for a little treat.  As we ate our ice cream he was already giggling and talking about other things.

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I told this in a story form because I think it is important to see how this technique can play out in a situation with your child.  By personifying Elmo - by giving him feelings and making him more like a live person - my child had a totally different way of looking at the situation.

Yes, the drive to the salon took more time than I had originally allotted for that particular project, but my son learned so many good lessons:

• Empathy - thinking of how his actions could make someone else feel.

• Charity/Generosity - thinking of how my stylist's son would enjoy playing with the toy

• How to Make Difficult Decisions - it was not easy for my son to make the choice he did, but by helping him learn to make that choice at 5-years-old, other more difficult choices at a later age would be easier to make.

• Mom Was There for Him - because I did not take the toy out behind his back, or tell him that he had no choice...because I took the time to help him make a decision his way and gave him the respect to say goodbye to a good friend and understand his feelings.

Overall, I'd say that was worth it for me!  Since then, we have had other challenges when it is time to let things go and as he gets older, I use more of the techniques that I use with my adult clients.  But this, by far, is one of my favorite de-cluttering stories.

How would you have handled this situation?  Do you think I took it too far?  What are your thoughts?  How have you helped your child let go of things? 

To your success!

Stephanie is the founder and CEO of Calahan Solutions, Inc. She is a nationally known speaker, media personality, author, publisher, productivity & organization consultant, and business coach. She believes that organizing is about making time and room for what is important to you and that life was meant to be lived. Stephanie lives in Illinois with her husband, 10-year-old son and Havanese puppy. You can find her on Twitter and at Productive and Organized, Daily Productivity Tips, and at Stephanie Calahan.

Comments

[Kathy]

I would have just put something that special away forever. Getting rid of toys that breaks a child's heart is the sign of an obsessive compulsive "organizer" not a caring mom.

[Stephanie LH Calahan]

Kathy -
Thanks for taking the time to comment and share your perspective. The great thing about parenting is that there are many ways to handle the same situation. If you would have put up the item for your child to decide later, and you had room to do that, that is fine too. However, many don't have the physical space to store such items. Other parents would have gotten rid of the toy when the child was not around. I believe that the choice I made treated my son with compassion and respect, but you have a right to disagree.

Part of our job as a parent is to raise our children to be independent and be able to make decisions. That learning happens early in life (you wouldn't let your child touch a hot stove just because they wanted to, right?). It is also important to understand the personality style of your child. Just as adults have different abilities to handle different situations, our children do too. In my estimation, at that time, my child was ready for the lesson. Proverbs 22:6--> "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it."

Please also remember, I said that he used to play with the toy. In fact, the last time he had really loved and played with it was well over a 1.5 years earlier. I would never make him let go of something that was precious to him in the present. Ultimately it was his choice to take the toy to Ms. Jeannine's place. Things are just that -- things. Relationships & time with loved ones are the experiences we cherish and really carry with us into adulthood.

I frequently work with adults that struggle with decisions - they get paralyzed by choice. Over and over I hear them tell me they wish their parents would have made them do more so they could have learned at a younger age. When we make choices for our children we have to ask ourselves two questions:
1 - What are we teaching them by our actions?
2 - What are we keeping them from learning by our actions?

Parenting is a fine balance.

To your success!
Stephanie